Apoorva Joshi

PhD student - Information and Media; Environmental Science and Policy @Michigan State University

Independent journalist -

Environment, Science, International

Source of Strength

This has nothing to do with wildlife whatsoever and I just risked losing any possibility of people reading further. But thankfully, it's my blog, and I'm free to write what I want.
I was just thinking, how even in times of adversity, some people just don't seem to shake or fall. How people have the strangest sources of strength. Someone once asked me, where I draw my strength from. I didn't know the answer then. But today, quite a few years down the line, I have at least a few discoveries made.
When a person gets tossed around like salad, whipped up like cream and kicked around like a football, he/she would ideally be expected to be entirely drained. I haven't really discovered how my system works, but when I get kicked, that's when I actually double up on spirit and energy, probably coz it's the anger. I am biologically, genetically, and individually, a VERY short-tempered person. Many have tried to tell me to change and I have not seen the logic behind that till date. Yes my anger gets me in shit but it the most powerful source of all my strength.
At a very right age, I learned that converting anger into something productive, like motivation, works magic. And no one taught me that. I just happened to figure it out one day. And that day onwards, every time I would get extremely angry, I would just reassure myself that I can do this, and I will do this.
When I think of my project failing, it gives me more strength and motivation to go and get things done. Just in this one day that was today, 5 people told me, I wouldn't be able to pull off what I am planning. Firstly, such people disgust me: a) coz they are incapable of that task themselves, b) coz they underestimate someone else without knowing that person, c) coz they make assumptions and base their life time of judgements only on those, d) coz they are insecure and wish, deep down in their hearts, that the other person really fails to do what she claims to do.
When people tell me I cant do something, I don't feel upset. I don't lose faith in my project and myself. Somehow, the exact opposite happens. I am not a rebel who rebels for the heck of it, just to prove someone else wrong. I end up drawing strength from the slightest indication of distrust, betrayal, dishonesty , etc. I honestly think humans werent meant to be like that but here I am. A complete misfit, in this world where 0.8% of the population respects individuality, that too, because they think of themselves first.
May be my work is my solace, but when everything in life is literally in the dumps, even then, I can muster up the courage to stand up, dust myself and say, "Im sorry, you can sit n sulk, Im going to get that done." I don't feel like this about everything. Just the stuff that I'm atrociously passionate about. The stuff that doesn't mean a big deal to me, I leave to luck.
It is so painfully ironical, that something I did, I put my blood and heart into, is now being snatched away from me with the cruellest attitudes anyone could ever display. And how, the people, who once vowed to stand by me, are now only a faint memory for me. Ironical how people will just disown you like that, like you're worth nothing, and step over you, stamp on you even, and proceed with their lives like nothing ever happened. How does it not hurt their conscience that they behave this way?
Sometimes, like today, like right now, I end up feeling like the biggest doofus on the planet for being this strong mentally. I spend half my time fending off people who come like hungry scavengers to finish off whatever I have left of myself. And when I look around, there is no one. No one standing on my side of the line, to take on these herds of vampires! Am I that despicable? Truth is, I know Im not. Problem is, not many feel that way. And sometimes, it is just SUCH a bloody PAIN being strong!! I never get a break. I never get to rest. I .. never get to be, who I really am. No wonder then, that no one knows the real me.. with all the mask wearing. I feel odd even typing this, but I have never felt more alone in my life, and even from THAT, I am miraculously, able to draw strength and divert it to my work!! I don't know whether Im supposed to be frustrated with myself, or just be happy I am who I am, or.. stop being strong! :-S

Powered by Squarespace. Background image by Apoorva Joshi