Sometimes, you are just not satisfied. And then sometimes you're calm and ok with what you're doing. Well, I'm usually in category no.1 not because I have some ridiculous inferiority disease but because no matter what I do, I just don't end up doing enough to satisfy that damn ocean of "I want" in my head. And then there are these people who're doing just what you wanted to do, and are living where you would have loved to live and yet, you're stuck. Stuck in a cemented mass of polluted and crowded fast lanes called a City.
You mull over things.. and a lot of question-answer sessions happen in your mind but at the end of it all, you're still at same place you were yesterday. The frustration of living in Pune is suddenly hitting me hard all over again. It's winter. It's Gharial time technically. And yet, all I'm doing is reading GCA mails, reading news articles all over the place, doing MSc applications, studying for BSc exams and the MSc entrance.. and waiting.. waiting to go back to where I rightfully belong.
Conservation. There are so many ways to do it. Non-Co-operation not being one of them. It's shocking how people don't understand the importance of co-operation between conservationists, or how people feel they are bestowed with the sole authority and right to dictate to other's how they should live their life and how they should "conserve". To each his own, mate.
Everyday it hits me.. 6 months. Ive got 6months before I go off for my Masters. Whether Bangalore or the UK, I will be gone. And then, for a scarily long time, there will be no Gharials to look for and no Chambal to walk along.. And knowing that is one HECK of an irritating realization! I refuse to sit and rot in this hopeless place where people don't even care to be honest and genuine.
I will go back to the place I want to be in, even if I have to do it alone. And yes, I will conserve my way. I have age on my side, and that works out great coz it gives me a decent amount of time to learn and figure things out on my own. I don't need narrow minded shit from anyone. I don't need fake, egoistical classmates waiting to pull each other down and use someone else's experience and contacts for one's own benefit eventually back-stabbing a clueless helper. I don't need teachers who don't know jack shit about their subject. I don't need fair-weather friends. I don't need anyone else to tell me what I am worth and what I am capable of, no matter what kind of a big shot that person may be. I don't need a past that will always haunt me. So, without any option, I shall move on, to imbibing that which was good from the past, and use it to create a better future .. a brighter future.. hopefully more so for that poor Gharial.
And yes, I am not satisfied. Because if I had been, I would never have the urge to strive for a better tomorrow. Cribbing is one thing and actually stomping on the egos of those who give a shit about you and moving on, is another. Coz some folks fail to realize, the underlying motive behind our "tribe" is not one-another's downfall. It is conservation. And how you choose to go about it, is your choice and no one else's.