Apoorva Joshi

PhD student - Information and Media; Environmental Science and Policy @Michigan State University

Independent journalist -

Environment, Science, International

Discovering Me- Part 1

Was just thinking that there are SO many things in this world, even in our daily lives, that we just cannot put in words. Even simple words! Whether it is that deep set feeling or that line that's on the tip of our tongues, or something you know can make a difference.. there are just these things we do not say. I don't know why that happens, or maybe I havent given it that much thought, but while chatting with someone I know, I just realized, that even though deep down within YOU know you don't want to discuss a certain issue, and that person, even though you think he should know, doesn't seem to realize. It's not a mistake. But then, the minute you want to say that you do not wish to discuss it, you realize, you might cut off the only topic of conversation that exists between that person and you. Complicated. And then, by the end of it all, there has been a nice long discussion about the exact thing you wanted to chuck from your brain. So now the result is, you're more hurt.. and that person has no idea what he went and did. Is it really worth it, to go through this repeated pain? Or is it just better to cut off the topic then and there? Do people not realize that they're hurting you or do they just not care? The last few weeks have lead me to believe the latter.
There are people in your life you don't want to talk about. To anyone. Either because they are too close and important to you, or have hurt you so much at one point, that all you remember when their name is mentioned, is that sheer pain which is still just as strong as it was back then. But when people who are completely clueless about your past, bring up these "self-banned" topics, what do you do? You don't want this new person to think you're a whacko (which you probably are anyway)! What happens is, whether or not you talk about these "do not mention" people, those memories jolt their way right back through the back of your mind and in no time, they show on your face.
I'm not some depressed maniac writing about my super sad life. I just gave this stuff a lot of thought right now and realized that I'm probably not the only one thinks like this. There may just be other people who have these periods of intense thought processes about completely random and seemingly unimportant stuff.
Sometimes, you just don't want to be strong anymore. I sometimes feel like I don't want any of 'this' and I just want to egt out of all this mess .. however that might be. Until yesterday, I didnt realize that THIS is something other's may not only feel, but also DO! I'm not the kind who shirks off responsibility towards my friends. But when things get out of hand and when those very friends fail to understand you and support you when you need them (which is rare), it hurts. And again, there is something more important than your pain. Your friend. And that friend's life. So whether you're saving a dying animal, or saving someone's day, or basically tryingt o fit in a lot of duties in your schedule, completely forgetting about yourself in the process, what is more important than all of that, is a human life that you need to save.
You're not a doctor. You're not God. You're not even in the same place as your friend! And yet, somehow, you're supposed to do the crazy task of making sure that person doesnt commit suicide. How you're going to do that, is your problem. Why should the world care? Why should anyone else care about you and your friend? I guess that's how the world works. Heartlessly.
Life is not very great sometimes. But why do people forget the underlying truth? LIFE, in all its essence, is still there! You're still living. Why are people always in such a hurry to end their lives? I perceive that as an act of a coward. Others may not. But I don't care what others think. I'm not a philosopher. I'm just a 20 yr old who respects the fact that I'm alive. Because that means that I have the chance to make a difference. Maybe not in someone else's life. But in the field I choose.
So like I found myself saying yesterday, and it's something I stand by - It is way easier to live while knowing that a certain someone may never be with you, a certain thing may never happen for you.. Because in this way, you stop trying to torture yourself out of your feelings, and eventually, you ACCEPT things, and learn to live again. Maybe you will live differently. But you WILL live. And all that's part of that wacked out thing called Life.

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