Apoorva Joshi

PhD student - Information and Media; Environmental Science and Policy @Michigan State University

Independent journalist -

Environment, Science, International

A little less..

This day has been really weird. Since Ive been up, stuff has gone pretty "right". Whiskey didnt awaken the neighbourhood with her barking, the weather was wonderful, the film I saw was very touching for certain reasons. But thats when it twisted. Its a terrifying feeling Im having right now. This horrible void. Which used to once be, the throne of the people I valued the most. Folks I called friends. We used to have a rapport that would most often than not, end up being the subject of everyone's envy. Something we were all proud of.
I still yearn for those days...those moments. When my friends were my own. When only I had a right, an authority over them. The days when the word "guarantee" had a genuine meaning. I could guarantee that no matter what happened, these people would never leave me and walk away. They were my pillars of everyday life, and thats a big thing to be to someone. Someone like me at that. Someone who rarely trusts, and when she does, she does so with immmmmense care. These guys have been such strengths for me at such terrible times. Looking back at those times now, they dont seem as terrifying as they did then, because now I have another way of thinking about them and their solutions. Back then, anything happened, and I'd just want to be with these guys..and then out the window went all problems.
I wonder why people forget the feelings they were once capable of having. Wonder why they fail to understand that friendship doesnt come with a "Best Before" date. Wonder why there are just these certain specific people who can be what they are. Why there is no one else that fill in for or replace those people. Why there isn't someone who just one day, walks by, ends up becoming your good friend as years pass, somehow makes a new position in ur life and heart for him/her self, but never occupies those empty positions. Guess I know why, coz those empty positions are actually lying in wait for their original occupants, that one day that jackass you used to cook for or who used to pick u up from the other end of the world will turn up for you, and make you feel like a Queen again. Someone who would never think twice before getting up and coming to get you. Or being your escape route if your life sucked big time, or who cared for you and loved you more than he would himself[ok ok..at least more than he would his girlfriends!! :-) ] Its a different deal to have these champs around. You'll never see them doing for anyone else, the ridiculous things they do for you!! You'd never see them even looking at you if some amazing chick was around.. then you'd be the salad. But if at that very moment, you slipped n fell, these would be the guys to be there and help you up and they'd be the ones gunning for you when the rest of the world is trying to make sure you lose your job! Dreamy thoughts. But well.. never mind! Im actually wishing I had these nuts around right now.. they have an uncanny knack of making u feel triumphant and amazing about yourself! :-)
The first time we met. The way we got along. The kind of things we would do to get to that phone and talk to each other. If anybody else called while we were asleep, we'd turn deaf but if it was either of us, we'd pick up and go, "Heyyyy!!!" , like nothing better could have ruined your sleep! Like there was no one else who was more qualified to claim most of your time than your best bud. The number of times Ive had to hear "You're one of the guys..you dont qualify as one of them" when you were ranting and raving about how horrible girls are! Do you have ANY idea how weirdly cosy that felt? The things you'd say, you never realized how much they meant! But to see me smile again, you turned from superman to clown to stupid blind fool to everything else! The number of times we've been kerchiefs for each other, or just massive support systems.. the number of virtual coffees we've sent each other, the late night conversations that went into the wee hours of the night, without us even noticing the time, the urge to speak to each other even when one of us was in some petrifyingly far away land and even then, discuss what we ate for lunch! These moments have been some of the best times Ive ever put down as memories in my mind. And thanks to each of you.. Life's been a ripper! ... Really wish you were all here..!
Maybe some people do have a "Best Before" tag in their minds when they make friends.. Perhaps.. you never know. Whatever be the case, right now though, Im just wishing my friends come back.. coz guys, right now, I really need you. Miss you three. I want my 'ol buddies back.. :-(
Without u guys, everything seems different. Incomplete. The light seems less bright. The rains are less wet, the winds dont seem to swirl around as usual. Those ambitions seem so much fader now.. the moments... our moments.. just fading away.. :-( Its like the time has stopped right now... to wait for you to come. Its like everything is right here. It's all there. But there's a little less of everything. They say distance makes you grow fonder.. I still dont know how true that one is. Wonder what this is all about. That madness, the things we'd do together. Things we'd talk about. That selflessness, that urge to always be there for one another. And the fact that we never needed to be told to do something for each other. It had all just fallen in place. But packing up and leaving wasnt such a great idea. Yes there are amazing friends I have today. But Im left wondering everytime I hear,see,feel, experience anything reminding me of you, that "why are you not here??" Chuk the hide n seek now fellas.
Today, when people dont even care about each other, there are these gems that still exist.. Somewhere.. and im hoping, Someday, I'll find them again. and We'll have our times back.
.. Pranav, Ram, Rishi and Manan..(in order of arrival..).. Miss you guys !!!

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